Right vs Wrong

It’s the year 2022. I sit here, comfortably, scrolling through social media like it were my only source of outside information. All of a sudden I’m forced to stop. I feel a pull inside saying, “you need to write this”. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m writing this for you, or if in fact I’m writing this for myself.

When I was a little girl, I found conflict difficult to handle when I saw it in others. I didn’t like voices that were raised, arguments, anger, disappointment, and especially obstinance. As an only child for all of my adolescence, I spent more time and found myself most comfortable when around adults. Being around adults also meant I did a lot of observing. Not sure when or how it started but I became or always was hyper attune to feelings of others. But there was something actually greater than that…I was able to hear the real meaning behind words and actions of others even though it didn’t always match the display.

My parents on occasion would have an argument as couples do. Not being okay with the environment in a negative space and needing it to be better quickly, I often came into the room of the argument and listened. Usually within a short amount of time I realized that both  were speaking but neither was hearing each other. So being the kid I was, I interjected. I asked them both to be quiet. I said they would both get a chance to speak what they feel, but they were going to have to go one at a time. There would be room for response back as well. I ran a fair therapy session. I’m winking if you’re picturing me talking to you right now. Anyway, mom would say what she was bothered about. Dad would get a chance to respond. Then dad would tell his piece and mom would get to respond. If either tried to cut the other off or mix the response in with the other grievance I’d step in like a referee and get things back in order. Occasionally I found them saying things, but those things weren’t really the heart of the issue and I’d then see the other’s reaction which was to the distraction and not the actual problem, which would then spiral more emotion. If I thought I grasped what was really underlying, I’d step in again and try to translate. I’d tell the other what I felt the other was trying to say, and then translate the response back. Never judging either’s feelings, and truly seeing both sides so clearly that it was impossible to take a side even had someone wanted me to. This mediation, at least in my child brain, helped resolve the issues and my environment could go back to homeostasis.

That ability to see many sides has stayed with me all of my life. I remain neutral for most debates. Occasionally, I have deeply formed opinions, that I share when I feel comfortable, but often I find myself as the observer. Merely feeling compassion for 2 opposing arguments, seeing the points on both sides, being aware of the bad things on both sides, and still not finding a way to choose a side. Sometimes it’s because I don’t feel I have enough information to make an informed decision, and other times because both sides have really good points (when I look at the heart of the matter not the reactiveness of emotional states) and I can’t find a way to choose one as right and one as wrong.

To be honest, if I shared my opinion with most people about most things, I’d probably make everyone mad because I might not take a hard stance. Being middle minded isn’t favorable to most. People want others to choose sides and if they don’t it’s even worse than choosing the opposite side. Earlier tonight I saw a video from Ellen Degenerous giving her last words and thoughts about her show as she finalized her departure. One thing stood out to me that she said, “I hope I’ve inspired you to be yourself. Your true authentic self.” And then later I watched a video of an autistic woman saying how much better the world would be if we could get rid of all the fake niceties and just be able to be honest, the world would be a better place. And then it hit me. I needed to write about this middle space because it’s my true authentic self. I may not be able to stop all of the sugar coats, but I’m going to try to deliver this with as much realness as I can brave in my writing.

I don’t always know right vs wrong. To you, because of your experiences and information sources, your perception is right and therefore others are wrong. The challenge is when I look at all the information that comes from all sides, I see enough reasons why either side could be right in any given moment. But when new information arrives, that opinion might change. Taking an absolute to something that has the ability to change based on new found information seems like I’m being asked to take a guess and hope my choice was right.

You know what that reminds me of? Religion. Politics. Movements. Science.

Religion asks you to believe its story or system and on faith that what you have been taught is indeed the correct information. And often when a person runs into contradiction, they pray they made the right choice because if not they might not get the good afterlife. You know why that’s scary? Because more than one religion does this. Because we find new translations, new understanding, and more that contradicts older versions. Sometimes these meanings are such game changing discoveries that it shifts the very thing one believed for so long.

Politics is no different. Both parties are riddled with half truths. Persuading, often by fear mongering or shaming people into their ideologies. Sometimes it’s just simple marketing. Take a belief, strap it with life or death meaning, and give examples that are slanted one direction - you’ll get many behind the belief and riling up the crowd. But what happens when new information comes out disproving the very thing the party has deemed true? Some say that you accept that truth and move on to the next pressing agenda…but what about all the fighting and name calling? What about the losses of friends and family? How do you correct the damage that an absolute mindset caused? How do you continue to think in absolutes after one thing has been shaken in that theory?

Follow me here…even science. Every single day scientists are discovering and uncovering the mysteries of this world. But that’s not all, they are also finding more information that sometimes disproves a previous discovery. “What?”, you may say. Well, let’s look at the age of earth. Scientists calculated the age limit for earth was 100 million years based on how long it would take a molten planet to cool. Later radioactivity was discovered and the realization of radioactive decay of elements caused a lot more heat which made cooling time longer which was then calculated to about 4.5 billion years according to sciencenews.org. That’s a pretty ginormous difference. That discovery didn’t prove that science lied. It proved that by new discovery there was more information that led to a new conclusion. This happens all the time. Things we were told were good for us in the 80s are now considered bad. So having absolutes in science is just as limiting as religious and political absolutes.

Having a middle ground - not being able to definitively choose sides - doesn’t mean you don’t have an opinion or that you don’t believe the experts did their work. It means you believe by previous examples that information comes when it comes. Discoveries happen when they happen. There may be more to the story than anyone can understand so sometimes it feels best to the middle grounder to stand back and observe. By becoming the observer you can see what is believable to all sides and feel swayed enough to believe that it could be true, but also see the other side and feel swayed enough that that could be true too. At times you might believe those things do not have to be mutually exclusive and in fact exist at the same time. You can have complete compassion for a belief someone holds and understand their choices and reasonings even if you don’t know if that person is correct in what they believe. And how could you know? What information out there is solid and absolute enough for anyone to fully stand by? Because isn’t everything perception? Isn’t everything one feels based on experiences they’ve had or information they’ve obtained from someone else that had experiences? Aren’t all discoveries just one layer of unlocking, but with the potential for many more that could restructure the collective thinking? I’m not suggesting everyone go and be a mediator or middle grounder. I am suggesting that we all try to open our minds more than we ever have before. Not to be persuaded to the opposite thought, rather to be accepting of the way someone came to their conclusion and compassionate for the feeling stirred inside.

Every single day we are spoon fed with someone’s agenda by means of marketing or propaganda. Every ad we see tells us we lack something and need this thing to fill that void. Every lifestyle image we see on social media sends a message that someone’s life looks exactly like the image. And this is the design of the platforms that host the images. This is what the platform hoped people would do so you’d follow someone and eventually some will get enough followers to influence and sway and eventually that platform will be making money off this system. But more so the system can be used to also target you and feed you even more information to back up previous information and keep you siloed to a side. Sometimes never seeing the opposite except for in a debating ring. We were told for many years that uap’s were not a thing. Now we know we were lied to and they are indeed a thing. We know information we get is not always the full story. We try to make informed decisions based on what we know. But remember, not everyone knows the same thing. The only chance this world has in becoming a more loving place is by all of us choosing to expand our mind and realize we actually don’t know that much and it’s okay to differ in opinions. It’s okay to not choose. It’s okay to choose. It’s okay to not hate someone who chooses different from you EVEN if it feels like you have the moral high ground. Because in truth…how do you know you’re right? You can’t choose what you’re taught or what information is given to you, but you CAN choose how you treat others and you can choose to be a loving person or a hateful one. You can choose to spew hate through your words, or you can choose to give life.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to like and share and as always I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.