Everything Changed
From my internal subconscious thoughts, to religious conditioning, to complete lifestyle change, this has been the year of dismantling, and I’ve never been happier.
If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you might have seen some of the journey that I’ve traveled. It’s been a wild ride. For a quick recap: I felt a pull back into faith about 10 yearsish ago. I struggled through trying to find the peace that many others seemed to have found, while battling an awakening to the truth that my life was not authentic or real. As I searched for answers, I slowly moved away from people and things that did not bring me closer to genuineness. I got a divorce, then removed (after some time passed) many other crutches and masks that kept me living in a fantasy.
What I haven’t shared, but finally ready to start this conversation, is during this search for truth I found myself accidentally joining a cult. Of course I didn’t know it was one, and I moved skeptically through, thinking I’d covered all bases, but I didn’t. You can’t know what you don’t know. I’ll briefly, (in Melissa’s brief), summarize this section of my spiritual journey. I asked a million questions, never took what was taught as accurate until I did research, thought my research started proving the teachings to be correct, and then you can’t leave out the weight of experience. I witnessed miracles that I believed and still believe were from God, but those miracles and the direct relationship I felt I’d built with my creator unfortunately clouded my judgement on the teachers. I equated the connection to God being a direct result of following these teachings. Things got hairy when the main leader, a man in Tanzania, started inappropriate conversations with me during, first, my deliverance and later during pastoral and spiritual advice. I was certain he couldn’t have meant the things he said as sexual because I truly believed that he was my spiritual father and a mouthpiece of God. (Bare with me, I understand how this sounds) We were taught he was a prophet, and growing up Christian, there were clearly prophets all over the Bible, so that wasn’t too hard to believe. However, we were also told that when a prophet speaks, it’s a direct message from God. They used scripture to prove this to us, so eventually it became easier to swallow. Sadly, I was in a cognitive dissonance as my intuition screamed at me that something was very wrong, while my mind continued to connect good to the leaders. The leader in TZ asked 5 of us women leaders to go to his home church where he would teach us and pass anointing onto us to help us lead in America. My peaceful time with God was now crowded with fear, constant panic, & anxiety, but I tried to be excited to go and learn under the head of our church and do as I thought I was supposed to do. Even though I’d found excuses for the few sexual things he said to me, my inner self didn’t buy it. As the trip grew closer, the more internal struggle I faced. I feared for my life and lives of the girls I felt were my sisters. But in the same exact fear, I found myself diving in to believe that we were about to learn the most important spiritual lessons, and we’d be able to help so many when we came back home. Fast forward to the trip. Lots of strange things…a night where the home we were staying in was broken into that I fervently believe was meant to take one of us women…and the one on one that scared the living daylights out of me. I left there thinking, “nothing actually happened so everything must be okay.” Even though the other half of me kept blasting the horn. The only way I knew to cope was to dive deeper and rid myself of the guilt from not having enough faith. I spoke and wrote about it as though not one of those bad things had happened. I convinced myself that it was my head playing tricks, but then, a month and a half later, my friend confessed she’d been molested by this man, and we immediately left the cult. I do believe and know that he’s hurt many other women and I hope that he will be stopped.
I spent a year in shame, guilt, and fear. Thank God, something inside told me to go home for a long visit. Listening to that voice was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Not only did I get the chance for real connection with my family, but I got time with my dad before he passed. I joined a church that healed so much of the damage done by the cult. My senior pastor never judged me for what I’d gone through and through his teachings and thoughtful responses to my many questions, I started coming out of my slump. He showed me what a real mentor is supposed to be like. He and the church helped me finally feel safe. In the meantime, I started therapy, worked (and still working) through the PTSD, and I dove into a ton of reading. Eckhart Tolle, Robert Masters, Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Keith Miller, and so many more authors who had a strong impact on my healing and facing my shadow self. Which is basically the parts of ourselves we don’t like and hide from. I was able to work on accepting those parts. I’m far from complete, as I think that’s a long term journey, but I’m in sooo much of a better place than before.
Then 2022 came. I found myself wanting to deconstruct my faith even more than just letting go of the brainwashing from cult, but the brainwashing from religious conditioning. See, after my cult experience, I realized I’d always just taken everyone’s word for what was and wasn’t true regarding what to believe in and how. I finally felt ready to shed everything I knew and start learning as much as I can about as much as I can. This hasn’t led to a complete break down in my beliefs, just shedding what doesn’t add up. Being open to what does. Not choosing the belief due to fear. What a journey it’s been. I’m still going, still learning, still loving people … even though I often say I don’t like people. But I do like dogs…and along came Sterling. My sweet silver lab. He definitely brought me an immense amount of joy.
In the same early part of the year, another friend and I had basically become best friends. We enjoyed so many of the same activities and ultimately just felt safe being ourselves with each other. We both love hiking and outdoors. He built a camper van a few years before, which I was obsessed with because I am obsessed with tiny homes. He encouraged me to think about building my own. I first thought there’d be no way I could do something like that. But my parents did have a 4runner they weren’t using and I got to watching YouTube to see what all was possible. Well after watching so many of those, I realized….I think I can do this. I showed the videos to my step dad and asked if he thought he could help me. He said yes and my next quest began.
(Tap the arrows left or right on image below to see the build out)
Truly dad was the only reason any of it got done. I’d never worked on any wood working project like this and the videos made everything look so easy. But for me, I needed guidance. Plus math…I don’t gel with math. So, we built this pimped out platform bed with drawers and a table on sliders. It had room for everything I’d need. Got all my supplies and a nice comfy mattress and set out on a 6 week excursion.
I met up with that friend, and we decided we wanted to give our relationship another go. Then we traveled everywhere! It was the most exciting time of my life. And what’s crazy, I was doing things I once thought unimaginable. Now I was doing them, loving them, and doing them well! As soon as I got back I was looking up vans and dreaming of having my own. Again, something I thought would be too far out of reach. But then I shifted my perspective and guess who got her own van? She’ll need some tweaking, but that’s what me and the bestie love doing. So that’s our new project. Then who knows where the next adventure will lead. That’s for 2023.
Moral of the story is I let go and am still letting go of beliefs that either aren’t good for me about me, or aren’t good and about life. I’m forming my own opinions, and I’m feeling free to be me as me. I’m living my best life for however long this path goes. All I know is there’s so much of this country alone that I want to see - and now I’m doing it and I get to do it with my partner in crime. And it couldn’t be better. Thanks for reading. Please like and share, and feel free to leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you!