Aching Inside and Out

Since I can remember, I’ve had this ability to see or hear of another’s pain and internalize it, at times to my detriment. Sometimes I’d see a person fall or injure themselves, and I’d immediately feel my skin and body become sensitive, absorbing a little of that physical pain the person experienced. It was never as much as the injured’s suffering, but always enough to generate my own awareness to what they were going through. Witnessing emotional pain can trigger just as much physical as psychological pain in me. Of course as a child I learned this is called empathy. As I grew up, I had varying degrees of empathy, including my own empathetic burnout. There was a point where I hardened and felt little empathy for much. Luckily, that phase ended, and my feeling of other’s feelings increased and sometimes confused me as to if they were my own or not. Some say I’m empathic, others say hyper-vigilent, and some say HSP (highly sensitive person). I don’t know what word or phrase I fall under, but whatever it is I’ve learned to embrace it. I think it helps me with compassion. I think it helps me be a better person to others.

In this past year, there were a number of politicians on both sides wanting to ban the app, TikTok. The reason stated was that the Chinese government used the app to spy on Americans. I watched the congressional hearing where the CEO of TT was questioned by the congressmen, and I can’t remember a time I was more embarrassed of our elected officials. Well, maybe I can, but this was pretty bad. Unqualified people asking questions that made no sense and not allowing the CEO to answer properly. It was a disaster and thankfully the bill did not pass at the time. You see, as other members of congress explained, there was not a special briefing to all of congress on the alleged spying, which meant there was no real basis for the claims. Of course that makes many wonder, is there another reason politicians don’t want people on TikTok?

My experience with TT started as a way to watch funny videos. I wasn’t interested in the app initially. I didn’t trust it. However, after giving it a chance, I found it was a great way to watch hilarious short videos that I didn’t necessarily see on the other platforms. Then, I started paying attention to more things that popped up on the app in my For You section that had to do with politics. Typically a space I loathe and refuse to indulge in, but in light of the insanity our world had turned into during the COVID times, I felt I needed to learn more. There were many regular people giving their opinions, both sides, that came into my feed. I paid attention. I watched the cspan videos to grasp what was really happening in congress. I watched verified fact checking to make sure I wasn’t just watching a cut up clip of something instead of getting true context. I was informed. I listened to people share their experiences of discrimination, life decisions that were difficult, history, foreign affairs, and politicians themselves came onto the platform explaining what was happening in congress. The TikTok experience has been informative, educational, and while I still have to check sources and do my own due diligence, it’s also been eye opening.

After having such a great educational exposure, I just couldn’t imagine why politicians would have it out for this app. And then October 7th happened. My eyes saw things I couldn’t understand or explain. I saw horrifying videos, first hand experience of people under attack from a political group called Hamas that came out of Gaza. Elected many years ago by Palestinians and funded by Netanyahu via Qatari, in that strip of land called Gaza Strip. It’s a land that is surrounded by sea, one border to Egypt, and the rest surrounded by Israel. I, to be perfectly honest, really didn’t know much about any of this until the attack.

I learned about the ongoing battle since the 40s when UN said it should be 2 states and Israel started occupying land beyond what was agreed upon. I learned that the group in Gaza were not allowed to leave unless given special permission, and their basic needs like food, water, electricity, comms, etc were all controlled by Israel. I also learned that over the years there had been several battles between the 2 groups. Some saying that they’d never agree to a truce and that all Israeli’s must be destroyed, to some saying close to the same thing about the Palestinians. Both really bad. I learned that over the years there have been bombings on the strip and the lives of the people in Gaza were always coated in fear even when living a somewhat normal life. I’ve learned that half the 2.2 million people living in Gaza are children. I’ve learned that the people of Gaza are essentially trapped.

I can’t speak for the past because I just now learned of it and to be truthful, there are conflicting stories as to what has really happened between the 2 groups. Knowing the world, and sadly, how some things work, people tend to say what is best for their agenda. What I can speak on is the destruction I’ve witnessed via TikTok via the uploads of either Gaza civilians or press that are stationed there and what I’ve seen is inhumane. What I’ve seen is the punishment to Hamas is directed at civilians. Children. Not specific to the attackers. I’ve seen children bleeding being carried out of rubble. Children hysterical at losing their family. Parents hysterical at losing their children. Scared people asking for help. People saying they were given warning to head south but when they did the routes were attacked by Israel. I’ve seen those in the south saying they’ve been bombed there too. I’ve seen people saying they left their homes and went to another member of their family’s home and then had to escape from there and go back to where they came from because the family’s home was bombed in the area that was supposed to be safe. I’ve seen a member of press mourn the loss of his wife and child after they were killed in a bombing. I’ve seen people needing food and medical aid but not able to receive the aid lined up at the Egypt border that was ready to help but not allowed in. I saw once they were let in that only a few were able to. I saw hospitals in rubble. I saw conflicting information on who actually bombed the hospital. I’ve seen UN saying that Israel is breaking all sorts of international humanitarian law. I’ve seen our government showing support, which I understood wanting Israel to have the ability to defend itself, that I get, but only now condemning the breaking of the international laws seems strange when the war crimes have been going on for a few weeks. There are those that say Israel gave warning for the people to leave the north, so it’s the fault of the people for not leaving if they got caught in the rubble. But I find that hard to handle when I also see people showing bombs going off in the place and routes where they were told to go.

TikTok showed me what I would have never seen otherwise. I’m watching the unjust killing of innocent people in real time. Maybe this is what the politicians are afraid of. Maybe people having the ability to see what is really happening and not the narrative that is being sold.

I don’t know the right and wrong on the politics between Israel and Palestine. I know only as much as I’ve heard on the history and like I mentioned, there are different versions. Not being educated nor there, it’s hard to know with all my senses who is telling the truth or what version of the truth is what really happened. What I do know is my heart has been breaking every single day since this war broke out. It broke for the innocents that died in Israel, for the hostages taken and their families, and for all the innocent civilians that are living in Gaza with no escape and more bombs than one can imagine falling on their heads, killing their families. I do think that Hamas should be held responsible for their crimes. I do think they should be found by military and dealt with, but to kill so many innocent just to get to these people is wrong. Everyday, every single day, I watch and I weep and I hurt. I want this to stop more than anything. I know I have no power in this. I will not pretend to know how military intelligence and operations work. However, I just can’t imagine, especially in such a small place, that Hamas can’t be more targeted with less civilian casualties. But like I said, I no nothing of how that works. All I know is I’m seeing death and destruction, I’m seeing people, children, hurting and trapped in this hell. No matter what the “answer” is in the long disagreement of land, I can’t help but be human and see the wrong in what’s happening to them.

Some may ask where I was during the war on Ukraine or perhaps other regional wars I’ve never even known about. My only comment, I haven’t ever seen before what I’m seeing right now in Gaza. I hate war. I hate murders. I hate knowing the horrors of what goes on in this world. At the same time I’m glad I know. I’m glad because even though my pitiful blog will do nothing to help anyone, at least they are not suffering alone. Even though they feel abandoned by the world, there are so many who are crying with them and want to see the massacre stop. It may not help, but they are not alone.

Lastly, I know that people are using this as a way to divide people even more. Some are attacking Jews, spewing antisemitic rhetoric, and trying to cause harm to them. This is unacceptable. How is that different than attacking the innocents of Gaza? There are many, many Jewish people who also cry and mourn with the people in Gaza, but whether they do or don’t, none deserve to be attacked verbally or physically. And there are people who are attacking Muslims, spewing hate toward them, and trying to inflict harm. Again, unacceptable. We need to stop with the phobia of other religions and people from other nations. It’s dumb. And if you’re claiming you’re Christian yet you have hate in your heart for people of other religion or nations, I’ll ask you to reread your New Testament. I’m tired of this country, claiming faith and to be Christ followers yet contradict the teachings of Christ day after day with the hate that leaves their mouths and legislation that they try to pass. I’m tired of people butchering all faiths to fit an agenda that fully is unaligned with that religion. Extremists in the Muslim faith and extremists of Christian faith are both disregarding the teachings and using key scripture or excerpts as the excuse for vile behavior. Twisting the meaning of the gospel or Quran to fit ideologies that have nothing to do with the real teaching, is wrong and false. You know who else does that? CULTS. I know, I was in one. I’m tired of the hate. I’m tired of people acting like sheep and following the narratives of these extremists without doing a second of follow up or fact checking. I’m tired of people claiming that love is the answer while forcing their own beliefs onto everyone else and threatening them if they don’t go along. I’m tired of people misconstruing the intention of the Constitution. I’m tired of people claiming the want for religious freedom while taking away the right to that freedom if it doesn’t match their own. Do you not see the hypocrisy? I’m tired of the Christian nationalists group that use the word Christian in their proud title, when those are the ones voting to remove aid from the poor, elderly, and oppressed. Um, do any of you read the Bible??? Are we forgetting the Beatitudes? Are we forgetting all of it? Do you remember what Jesus stood for?? The worst part of all of this is that the Bible does contradict itself and therefore makes it easier for anyone to pick which scripture they believe that fits their agenda and roll with it. It sucks. Because if anyone actually looked at the character of Jesus, it would be clear what we should be doing as Christians. And nationalists would not be a part of his plan.

Some of you mix nationalism and patriotism with each other. Let me be clear, there is a difference. A patriot is someone who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against its enemies. Nationalist is someone who identifies with their nation and supports the interests of the nation even at the detriment of others. That is not what we want to be.

I know it’s hard. All of us are fed from media and politicians a ton of BS and it’s hard to find the truth in any of it. Most things are mixed with lies and twisted information. But if you can’t stop for a moment and feel, use your heart, feel what is right and what is wrong, then you need to take a long hard look at what is hardening you. We need a middle ground. The world needs a middle ground. It starts with each of us. We can be a better place for humanity.

Update: And just now I’ve learned of civilians in Israel being targeted by Hezbollah. You cannot take out your anger at a government on innocent people. None of this is right.

Source for definitions - Oxford Dictionary