The Morning After the First Day of the Rest of My Life
Waking up I feel the immediate harshness of the morning sun pushing through the shutters as though I need reminding that today is a new day. I sit up. Touching the comforter, the sheets. Wondering, “do I still like this color scheme?” I try to focus my eyes as they begrudgingly open further. The mirror on my bathroom door reflects an image of a woman - late 30s - a rat’s nest perfectly wadded on her head. Remnants of faded black tears streaking her cheeks. Who is this person staring back at her? Why does this mirror hate me? I need coffee. Today is the morning after the first day of the rest of my life. I’ve asked for a divorce. He came to collect what few things he had in my West Hollywood apartment. Now I’m left with just me. For the first time in 15 years. Just me.
I take a leap of what have I got to lose and dance across PCH after enjoying fish tacos. A new friend, drags me by the hand closer to the water and finds a spot for us to sit. He asks me, “where do you see yourself in five years?” My throat reacts with a knee jerk closing and I fight my way through breath to say something.
Stall
Okay - I think - I don’t really know. I never liked putting a definitive stamp on any time as tomorrow I may find a new opportunity that is a better fit for my life. But that just sounds weak. Okay - I think - yeah I still don’t know. And now I feel hopeless and scared. For the first time I realize, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. What’s my favorite color - okay good that didn’t change. What’s my favorite number - okay good that didn’t change. What’s my favorite song? What’s my favorite song? Come on Melissa. You have a favorite song. What is it?? What’s my favorite movie? What’s my favorite tv show? What’s my favorite thing to do? What’s my hobby? What do I like to do with my free time? What kind of books do I like to read? What style of clothes best suits me? Do I like sports? Do I want kids? Do I want to marry again? Do I want friends? Do I want to do what I do everyday? What do I do everyday? Oh my God - existential crisis happening right flipping now.
“Well, I think since my life just restarted I’ll have to rethink that five year goal, but how exciting all the possibilities!”
Phew…I think he accepted that answer. I’m not sure. I can’t read his reaction. He thinks I’m dumb. Doesn’t he? Ugh, see this is why you can’t - no stop. He didn’t do anything. This is your 2 days ago voice, let’s bring out your today voice. Okay. Yeah. He seems cool. It’s cool. I don’t have to have all the answers today. Or maybe at all.
It’s a late night. I’m feeling that flood of emotion. I don’t understand what it is but I need to throw on my cool cloak so I can make that stuff go away. Makeup check - black high heel boots check - hair check. Grab the jacket, cigs, phone - let’s go.
Calvin Harris feeds my emotion and need to dance in this very instant. I could take over the world. “Blame it on the ni-ghight, don’t blame it on me don’t blame it on me”. I approach the bar and pull my headphone out. Calvin Harris turns into a Brittany Spears vs Dolly Parton drag show definitely changing my dance flow. I make my way to the patio, lighting up looking around to see if there’s anything that can make this feeling stop. I order my drink - a healthy mix of liquor and caffeine. This will get me right where I need to be. I smoke, I drink. Neighborhood barflies crowd around me as we all continue to drink and smoke and talk about absolutely nothing. I need to move. I need to dance. Let’s get out of here.
It’s early morning. I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t danced. I’ve been sitting on my patio crying and chainsmoking for 2 hours. I don’t even know why I’m sad. I wonder if I would like plants now?
Gratitude - tell me 5 things you are grateful for. I’m grateful for my parents, freedom, my job, my animals, and my friends. Next day, tell me 5 things you are grateful for. I’m grateful for … …
Oh, I think I found something. I think I like to write. Then write. I don’t feel like it. Hopeless.
If you made it this far - reading this prose - you’ll see a glimpse of a girl starting over. 5 plus years have passed and I can tell you that not one thing that actually happened in those several years were things I ever imagined myself. Some good, some bad, but not one moment of that was part of a plan nor was it the fault of a lack of plan. It was just what life looks like starting over. When we’re babies just getting our bodies to take one step takes a tremendous effort. We wobble, we fall, we cry, we get back up. I still don’t know what I’m going to do in the next 5 years, but I don’t need to know. I still haven’t found a new favorite song because nothing has moved me enough to call it that. I still haven’t found a new favorite tv show because each show has a season and after that season it becomes less significant so I might have mini faves, but they’ll be ever changing. I still don’t have a long list of hobbies, but I’ve found a few I’m digging and have room to learn a few more. I am me. Me doesn’t always have an answer because me is still figuring out how to balance when putting that foot forward. But me will always be me - whether me likes new music or decides to try new food. Me will always be defined by my heart as that will not change. Me will have fads and phases, but me will always be Me.