That Icky Word - Repentance

I can remember from the time I was a very young girl, learning about repentance. There’s so much ick factor when you hear it. Years of churches abusing the word and using fear mongering tactics to “win souls”. News flash - Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. John 4:18-19. 

People would always say, you have to confess your sins and start being good. That’s the deal right? Be good and heaven is yours. Yeah no. That’s literally not how it actually says it works. So let’s start with the ick word and then I’ll unpack the rest. Repentance according to Wikipedia “Repentance is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs, which is accompanied by commitment to and actual actions that show and prove a change for the better. 

In modern times, it is generally seen as involving a commitment to personal change and the resolve to live a more responsible and humane life. In other words, being sorry for one's misdeeds.” 

So let’s say I get angry with you, but instead of speaking to you respectfully and talking it through, I choose to allow my emotion to take over and raise my voice and even use hurtful words. This will cause you pain and the action I took certainly was not in love. Now - if I take an objective look at my behavior, I can recognize where my reaction was disproportionate to the problem and careless toward you as a person. That review is step one - but that alone is not going to give you any kind relief. Next is acknowledging what part you took in reacting poorly - Awareness is important- acknowledgement is important  - but there are another couple of steps. Then comes the “I’m sorry” which verbally contracts that you truly feel remorse for damage caused. Buttttt - we still have one more important step in the apology that can only be seen with action over time. The next step is the active intention of not doing that thing again. Without this last step - your word and apology mean nothing. This is psychology not theology. 

So what repentance actually means is you are truly remorseful for actions you’ve done that were careless toward the other and you apologize and actively set intention to not do that thing again. 

“Ok seems easy enough. In fact it kind of sounds no different than my pastor saying stop being bad. Be good.” Sure…except we’re missing the key ingredient. Love. When I love, I don’t want to cause pain - but sometimes I do because I’m this complex human that has a myriad of pain and complicated dynamics stemming from multiple circumstances over the course of my life. And you know what - the same applies to you. We’re imperfect. We make mistakes. We hurt others. We are selfish. We do things we shouldn’t sometimes. And when these happen, and we cause pain to those we love - we feel remorse. 

Repentance with God is very much the same. First we have to believe that just like good parents, He has our best interest at heart. So first is loving Him and not fearing Him as in being scared. When we make mistakes to others or even in secret - we have an opportunity to turn that behavior around. It’s not about following rules and being good - it’s about love. Love for others, love for self, love for God. 

I remember when I was at a different part of my faith journey - many years ago. The pastor asked us to pray for God to use us as vessels. 

“Hold up wha?!” I thought. 

I loved God and I wanted that peace that they seemed to have, but if I asked God to use me as a vessel I’m basically saying I’m committing to you and to do what you need me to do. Which was like - not at all what I wanted. I didn’t pray it - while everyone around me did. I prayed and told Him that I love him and I want to be closer but I’m not ready to give up my life and desires and I knew if I was going to be used by God - my current lifestyle probably wasn’t gonna fly. I mean I need to ease into that change ya know? I can’t just give up everything. I’m not that good of a person. And I’m not going to make and break a commitment to God either. I mean it’s God - He’s just not the guy to say yes when you really mean no. 

That’s what I thought about godly life. I continued to show up to church and soak up what I could but ran out as quickly as possible after. I didn’t want to know people, talk to people, or least of all let people see the me that cried through every single sermon. The one who literally felt so much stinking pain but couldn’t figure out how or why and what would make it stop. I kept looking at these other people and thought are they foolish or do they just have something I don’t? I talk to God every day, but my circumstances aren’t getting better. My heart isn’t healing. My emptiness is growing … what am I missing??

It took time lemme tell ya. This was not an overnight process, but God had been working on me already for a couple of years so while I felt super out of touch, in truth I was already far into this transformation and it was all happening without me noticing. Sneaky eh? I’m playing - when I got baptized I asked God to fix me - so he did it in a way that I could handle. And when I needed to go deeper, he always found a door for me to go in, and a hand to help me back out. 

Long story longer, I got really sad one night. More so than usual and it was flooded with a wine infused sadness so really really sad. I sat on my porch chainsmoking holding my wine in my right and my cig in the left. Big crocodile tears flowed out of my eyes as though the Hoover dam broke open on my face. Had a mirror sat in front of me, I’m sure beautiful streaks of black mascara smeared around my red eyes and pale (well probably red) skin. But I didn’t…so back to what really happened - I looked up at this spot of wood toward the top of my patio door. I prayed with all pure intention and vulnerability, I begged God to take away the pain I felt. I begged him to make me feel normal. And I offered myself as a vessel - knowing full well that while I didn’t know how he’d use me - I was making an exchange I was willing to make. I meant it. 

But don’t think that the next day I just put a halo on my head and said cool that was easy and my life dramatically changed. Um…not so much. At least not so fast. As months went on many things happened, people came into my life and also left it, I found desires of change for myself in a way to feel better and be safer so I started making those changes. As those changes came into play - over time my heart started to soften. I started caring more about others again instead of me me me. I had forgotten that I was once like this, but self preservation eventually led to self indulgence. I was starting to see how much better life was with the focus getting off of me. Time continued and my heart continued to open and I found myself not wanting to do all the things I had been doing. Over time I let them go one by one and found new things that brought me joy. And maybe sometimes no replacement at all. Life wasn’t all unicorns and pink clouds, but it was becoming something I really enjoyed and I in fact actually was repenting. I turned my life around by simply asking for Him to do it to me and by making something other than myself more important. 

I don’t share this long story to say your journey will or has to be the same. I’m just saying repentance doesn’t always have to look like giving up things. Sometimes it can just be having the willingness and openness to allow change and moving focus off yourself and onto others. So really in fact, you gain. Don’t be afraid or turned off next time you see the word or hear someone say it - even if they are trying to use it to manipulate you. Now you know what it really means - and you know there is nothing at all to fear. I hope this helps - I know that word made me all kinds of annoyed when I used to hear it, but now it’s a word that makes me smile. Because I went through it and still do all the time - (seriously I swear a sailor jumps in my body and takes over my mouth )- and it always has its ups and downs like growing pains - but I never feel like I’m giving up fun or my life. I hope and pray for you to have a good experience when you hear repentance and when you choose to repent!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on repentance, your experiences with it, struggles, and if and how you overcame . Feel free to share below in the comments section.